Can't sleep, Can't study

Okay here goes, I can't sleep, can't study, and I'm losing site of what's important. I've been told  over and over how much I've changed. Going from working sixty hour weeks, playing with animals, in the river, hiking, and games with people/dinner parties, to school and studying. I like school, if I didn't have school, I would lay in bed all day, eating yogurt and watching you tube...oh wait that's what I'm doing now.  Its finals week, it sucks.  I had three tests today, this day shall forever go down in history as the worst day for testing.  I couldn't sleep, I've had so much on my mind, I just can't turn my brain off. I called my mom and dad just to hear their voices, and get some re-assurance that I'm on the right path. I pray to God, and he answers, but I'm pretty doubtful, I won't lie. I ask for signs, I'm sure I get them, but I just don't want to believe, or can't or won't. I go over the same things, and I try and study, but  nothing sticks. I went to sleep at one in the morning.  Mostly because I couldn't stop thinking, and my stomach gets extremely upset after eating. It won't shut off either, and makes noises, and is painful. I woke up when Kim woke up, four thirty, and couldn't go back to sleep, pain and thinking. I started studying at six, and didn't stop all day.  First I had o chem, then physics and finally interpersonal communications.  Tomorrow is Psychology, and I don't know what to expect, I need to study tonight, I just can't focus, and can't concentrate.  Hopefully I'll go to bed early, and wake up early, and study all day.  I can't wait until this week from hell is over.

Christmas a little late

Christmas is in two weeks, and I have no Christmas spirit.  I hate Christmas songs on the radio, I only like Christmas songs in a church setting. Not the the usual jingle bells, but Holy Night, Noel, the true Christmas songs.  I won't lie I once loved Christmas songs, when I was younger, I loved the traditional material Christmas where I get gifts.  Now I can't stand it, and if you don't ask for something then people treat you like you've broken some sort of Christmas law. I don't need anything, I don't want anything. If I need or want something it usually is during a part of the year not related to Christmas and I ask for it then, or I buy it. Christmas is fluff, where you get the extras, and I don't want or need the extras.  I only need the necessities. I do love making things for people, and getting something for somebody who really needs it.  Typically this is throughout the year.  I work on these gifts when I have time which is typically during Christmas break, so don't chastise me if I get your gift to you a month late. I'd like to be charitable at this time and throughout the year, but this year has put me in such a stressful state, that if I don't study, or do something to enhance my chance of getting into Vet school I feel an awful guilt. I've been going to church on Sunday pretty regularly.  I like it, that is I like sacrament, I like the talks, and message, I like having an hour to knit, or write, or draw. I like when everyone is at church, Logan is at the absolute quiet, everyone in church buildings. I can come home and cook and clean, and play my music as loud as I please. I can enjoy the best of both worlds in one Sunday. I'm going to stay up here a little bit later, previous years I couldn't wait to rush home.  Now I want to chill in an empty apartment, knit, work out, catch up on sleep, reading and letters.  I'll probably head down Wednesday afternoon. I love my parents, I don't want to hurt them, but I don't want to stifle my growth.  I don't know what's right for me right now. Being home doesn't help either, I want my parents comfort but my living comfort. I've grown accustomed to being on my own, and doing things my way on my time, and not asking permission.

me on sunday

I don't know what its like to have a child, I don't know a love that strong, and I know its painful for me to be so distant. I wish I could be a better student, daughter, sister and friend. I thought at the beginning of this year I could do it all, volunteer, school, friends, family, but I proved myself wrong. I can do all this, but I can't judge myself by others standards. I have to know that what I am doing is the best I can do, and that's all I've ever been asked to do.  My parents, siblings, friends, God, will never ask more of me then I can deliver. I am so blessed and lucky.