It just hurts

It just hurts, and sometimes it doesn't.
"That makes complete sense.  It doesn't mean you still like him at all. Just means you got burned, and your wound hasn't healed, because someone you trusted betrayed you so to say.  Ha Ha some debate that broken hearts actually never heal...but they stop hurting eventually."-Staci
I trusted my emotions and feelings with someone who would treat me like shit and not give a damn. When I talk about it, everyone say's I'm not over it. I am over it, but there's not words to describe the pain one feels when treated like a stepping stone, being used and thrown away.
My directions have been all sorts of skewed. My path so beautifully laid out before me two years ago is now zig, zagging, and leading me into dead ends. If I fall I stay down, if I run I hit a wall, if I sleep I never get up. When I look back on this life I don't want to think: shoot what did I do?  Even worse I don't want to think: shoot what didn't I do? I was happy for so long, and then everything hit me. I had no reason to be happy, but was.  Now I can't run, can't sleep or study.
Its not until you don't wear a smile for the rest of the world, that something must be wrong. The truth: smiling is easier than crying. Lying is easier than the truth, and trust is never repaired.
It hurts when you lose trust. I trusted my brother, now I don't know what's a lie and what's truth. Now I don't know his life like he doesn't know mine.  The funny thing these thoughts will fade within days. When it hits you it hits you hard.  I know I'll never be like this boy I trusted, I'll never do what was done to me to anyone. It makes me sick, he makes me sick. However, I can't say I'd wished I'd never known him.  I can't say I wished none of this had ever happened. Its a growing and learning experience.  I was pushed out into the world, I was pushed out into this horrible dysfunctional relationship, that somehow paralleled my life perfectly. It taught me so much. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." This saying is never so true then when you experience it first hand. We had good times, we laughed, camped, shot, watched movies and people, and we had bad times.  I cried, and I missed him. Now I'm done. I could blame him, but mostly I hate him.
Besides relationships there are tests and school.  Life pushes and pulls you, brings you to your knees, and raises you back up again. If you've never been on a roller coaster...you are lying. Life is the biggest roller coaster of all.  Beg, plead, cry and scream, it won't let you off.  When you can't get off this roller coaster of life be thankful. Accept it, Love it, and Move on. At the end of the day if you are still breathing, still living, still moving forward then be happy. Forgive but never Forget. Forgiveness takes time and never rush it.
I can't do it all alone, but I can do it all.