Success

"If at first you don't succeed then maybe you just suck."
I've read this phrase countless times on the shirt of a good friend of mine. The first time I saw it I laughed, as I should have. Funny phrases usually draw out a chuckle.  The more I saw it the more I disagreed, until I finally flat out just started hating it. I've thought about all the times I've tried-failed, tried-failed, and then like the saying goes, the third times the charm. Pretty sure there are others out there that have tried and failed, preserver and succeed. I'm almost positive most of those people are our professors, doctors, and clergy.  Men and women that we look up to and respect, and if they suck, then we must really be sub-standard.
If at first you don't succeed then maybe you're just having a bad day. Or maybe you really do suck. I would hope that if at first you don't succeed then try again.
Now that I've torn this shirt a second neck hole, there are many shirts that make me smile.  I often read these shirts aloud to the shirt wearer, as if they don't know what they are wearing. I think they appreciate it!

September 11

God bless America and the many service members who have died over seas defending this great Nation.  I would also like to thank those who are not military who defend the land.  Ten years ago our nation was attacked.  Out of all my fifth grade days this was a day that I have always remembered.  I woke up, and turned on the news, and watched as the news re-played a plane flying into the twin towers, and then the second plane hitting the second tower. I remember my Grandma saying "I never saw the plane come out the other side."  Not a lot of things can make me cry, but watching 9/11  tributes hit the right emotion.  9/11 is quite possibly the saddest thing I have ever watched. It is the worst thing that happened on U.S. soil during my life time.
In the fifth grade it didn't occur to me what had happened.  It wasn't until years later that I realized just how many people died and are still dying. It didn't occur to me that these citizens had no idea what was coming. They didn't deserve this and perhaps the most disturbing fact is that it brought our country together but more importantly it tore us apart. Opinions and ideas strip us to where we are most vulnerable. Then every September 11 there is an annual moment of silence that falls over all of us.  For a moment we are all joined as one, and united. I think this is how a nation should be, united as one. For a moment your creed and color has no place, because everyone feels and everyone understands. We all understand the pain a child will go through learning their parent died, a spouse will not be returning home after work, a co-worker will not punch in, and when you call-your friend will not answer the phone.
I love hearing the story of the brave men and women on flight 93. They fought to regain control of the plane, and instead of killing hundreds on the ground it landed in a Pennsylvania field. They gave their lives but saved many lives in the process. Thank you to all the firefighters, police officers, and citizens that helped and gave their lives attempting to save many more. These everyday citizens became our heroes that day.
In the rat race of life I don't take time everyday to give thanks for my freedom and those who died for me. On Memorial day, Veterans day, Presidents day, September 11, and even Labor day I remember how important it is to realize just how lucky I am. I hope that all those who lost someone in a war or the September 11 attacks are healing, never forgetting but able to move on.

fleeting times

Blind taste test

Sweet simple moments come all too often, but I don't think we take time to realize they've come and gone. My roommate, Megan, made cake for her sisters birthday.  After it was done baking and was decorated with frosting, she handed each of us a tip from the cake decorator. It was a simple moment like that which brought back childhood memories of licking cake batter, and fighting over who gets the bowl. We all sat there like we were five dipping our fingers into frosting.
Fleeting moments happen at one in the morning, when your roommate tries to convince you to dance in the rain. You don't because its freezing and one in the morning. Rain dances are traded in for kitchen dance parties. You look like fools but you just don't care because you are having the time of your life.  If even for a fleeting moment.
Memories you want to relive take place on Christmas morning.  You are the first to wake up and have to wait what seems like hours for the whole family to finally get ready.  Then the camera won't work, and cinnamon rolls finish so the wait is extended.
Perhaps the sweetest moment is wanting to drive and listen to your favorite song.  This usually happens mid spring, when the world has forgotten its spring and still in winter mode.  So you go for a drive with the radio up windows down, and heater on full blast singing at the top of your lungs.

Cars starting are enough to make some ecstatic. Once your battery dies, and is no longer reliable, cars starting are sweet moments.  When you put the key into the ignition it gets your old ticker pumping.  You sit there and wonder if you will be on time to work, school, will it make it to the store, or will you have to run for the city bus.  Then you turn the key and hear the engine turn over, and finally start.  Its like a small victory for all involved.
Finding bouncy balls in school yards that have been forgotten by children is one of the greatest moments.  It is then you realize you can play four square. And you play for hours. Or maybe its finding a box that fits on your head so you can scare the weird neighbor boy that has been stalking you away.  Hiding in closets to scare your roommate and her boy friend right before they kiss create for some awesome tales.

ZPR and Rufus 

Memorable moments happen at holidays. Halloween is always eventful, pumpkin decorating, and kid decorating, "stealing" candy out of bowls left on porches.  Being frightened at what seems like a docile haunted house, and being the butt of jokes for years. "Where's Johnny?" Will always bring back fleeting memories.
Candy Cane hot chocolate in August, waving to strangers on the highway.  Driving for hours across a desert. Lightning storms on your way home from Colorado. Chasing bears on a four wheeler, sneaking into mills and mines. Eating wild raspberries and picking apples. Pizza parties with roommates, meeting acquaintances on campus and talking for hours. Going out of your way to step on crunchy leaves, raking and then jumping into huge piles of leaves.  Watching thousands of bouncy balls dropped out of a helicopter and then running to grab them. Being pushed on a long board with three of your best friends. Rain, rain boots, and puddles. Camping on a hill, naps in the sunshine on a four wheeler, rodeos and hunting. Long walks, runs, and bike rides. Reading a good book, writing poems. Riding on grocery carts, we've all done it, we all do it, we will always do it. Good food and cooking. Sleeping in, and having your parents check in on you at midnight when you're twenty. Embracing each other and life. Crying at happy and sad movies. Story Time and time outs.

Shoney and Pretty Baby

Acceptance to USU

Reply after asking someone to MORP

These are the moments to remember and cherish. These are the fleeting moments that happen all to often and yet rarely. Moments like this happen every day and need to be appreciated. Here is to the sweet moments in life. Love it and accept it!

Forgive

How do you forgive? Its a mighty big word. College will lead you down a winding road, on top of the world one day, crashing hours later, leaving you blaming everyone around you. DON'T!! This post is about Forgiving. Forgive yourself, forgive the weather, forgive those who have done you wrong, forgive your parents, and your friends your professor, and that bird who mistook you for a bathroom. If you hold a grudge if you feel spiteful you lose power, and you lose control. Pull your own strings-your beliefs determine your attitude. 

Forgiveness might take time, it might take a year, or ten. Don't let it take that long. When my Grandma died I couldn't forgive her, or forgive God, for leaving me so soon.  This forgiveness took the longest, because forgiving her meant forgiving myself.  I had to forgive myself for not saying everything I wanted to, to her. It took a while for me to realize I can talk to her still. Her death didn't end her listening and watching over me. She is always with me!  She surrounds me!  She always hears me! There are times I've been close to serious injury and probably death and the only thing I can attribute my survival to is her watching out for her Angels. I also came to the realization that I can love her after death.  My love didn't end with her death.  I'm not breaking her heart if I don't think about her once throughout the day.  For forever I thought of her at least once a day, and how much I miss her, until I stopped.  I still love her and she knows it. My successes show her how she has changed my life.  I want nothing more then to be a successful person, and make the most of life, making her proud. 

Forgive the people who have hurt you. Forgive but never forget, learn from your past. If you don't you will make the same mistake repeatedly. I recently learned how bad I am at communicating my feelings, and it came to a head. My feelings weren't expressed, still aren't, but sometimes you have to walk away. I realized that I can't be around somebody and not develop feelings towards them. I can't be an emotionless statue. However my feelings are based on reciprocated feelings.  I never knew what the other person was feeling-I never knew what to feel.  This is another instance where I've had to forgive myself as well. So many mistakes were made, and so little prevention took place on my part. I let my guard down, and I got hurt and felt used, and I used someone. My entire life, my out has been to run away, or hide, shut everyone out, ignore the problem, and in time it will disappear.  It didn't work this time, face your problems.  Talking may be the hardest thing you will do, but do it.  Self disclosure will bring you closure. I needed some sort of closure, I needed an end, I needed to move past everything that had happened. If someone doesn't agree to talk to you in person, they are not worth your time.  If someone can't make time for you, they don't deserve your time. If your friends and family tell you they are not worth it, listen, this is the best advice.  Your family knows you best, they know what is best for you, always listen to them. My biggest mistake was not speaking my mind. Never bite your tongue, when your emotions are in question.  I asked everyone what I should do what I needed to do, and I never asked myself what I wanted to do or what I felt was right. I played this through everyone else, and when it came down to it, I ended up doing what I wanted.  Avoid drama and say what you mean, if you want to talk, don't disguise it as hanging out. If you scare someone away because you need/want to talk to them, then let them be skid-dish. Never do something in writing when you can call them, always have voiced conversations over important things. Once everything played out, I called my mom and dad, and told them what had happened, and for once exposed my feelings; my pain, my anger, my hatred. All out in the open, and I forgave.  I realized there was nothing that I lost there was nothing that I won't feel again, there's nothing that a weeks time won't heal. I was given the best advice by my mom.  At night when all is said and done take everything you want to say write it down on a paper in your mind, take the paper and throw it away, or burn it.  You won't say anything you will regret, and you can put it all out of your mind. Every day I walked into my day care and there was a giant poster of Christ, and it said "I didn't say it would be easy but I said it would be worth it."  These instances are just part of the game, part of the climb. Its not always easy to forgive, you don't want to, but in the end it is what's best.

Forgive your friends when they tease you, or when they tie your shoes in knots, post ridiculous pictures of you, or tell the same story forty seven times.  Forgive your professor for giving you a hard test, and not listening to your reasoning. Forgive the bird, or cow, or horse who gets you dirty. Forgive your dogs for tying you up in leashes. Forgive the post man who gives you the wrong change, or the speaker who says your name wrong. Forgive those who are late, and forgive those that criticize or annoy you. Learn to Forgive!
"God is walking beside you when there are two sets of footprints, and carrying you when there is only one set of footprints." Sometimes you have to put trust in a greater power whether it be God, Buddha, or a White Elephant.  Learn from that figure and forgive. 
So how do you forgive? I learned that forgiveness is to grant someone pardon, to cease feelings of resentment, to get over what wrong was done. Do whatever it takes for you to do this. I can't put a recipe to forgiveness.  It includes blame, self realization, emotions, communication, and time. After you will be stronger.   Grant the other party pardon; excuse the other person for what they have done. Stop feeling resentment towards that party. I had a hard time separating resentment from self-pity. After you have been hurt, or are sad, all you want is for someone to realize you have been hurt. You want to wallow in your pain, and be acknowledged. This acknowledgment gets you more pity, which continues the cycle. This is pity, don't do it, pick yourself up by the boot straps as soon as possible. Stop the resentment, there is nothing that can be un-done, so move past this feeling.  Lastly get over the wrong that was done.  Occupy your time with something else.  Focus your attention on studying, writing, reading, knitting, hiking, running, talking, just move on. Love it and accept it. You can think about the past, but don't let your emotions be debilitating. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VTFX0Q7rq-E&ob=av3e

Waiting for you

Accept me and love me

My oldest brother is getting married. This news came as no surprise as they had been dating for a while.  Plus he is 32. She seems like a very nice girl.  I have never spoken to her, never met her. My brother seems to think she is the perfect one, and so she is. I am happy he has met someone who loves him, can understand him, and adores him.  My second oldest brother, the one who is living the dream so to speak, is living the dream.  He has a beautiful wife and two wonderful daughters.  My Phillip seems to think Eric is living the dream.  I just hope Phil takes time and doesn't rush into the dream.  He says he will wait until he is out of law school, we'll see. Its funny when Eric and now Jason got engaged/married, it didn't affect me. I have a new sister in law, and more relatives on the way or already here, and that's about it. With Phil its different.  Who he marries should be my decision.  Not literally!  However, I feel like I should have some sort of input on the matter. His opinion along with Kim's are the opinions I listen to, and the most important.  Oh how they sway me. Shouldn't that be reciprocated. Whenever I grow up I want both of them by my side.

My entire life I was told by my very careful father "stay away from boys." So naturally for twenty years I stayed away from boys.  Not so naturally I ignored my terrible teens and decided to play them out as a twenty year old. These are my rebellious years, so to speak. I am twenty a junior bio vet major in college, high g.p.a, undergraduate teaching assistant, volunteer, blood donor, I could go on. Quite rebellious. I seem to be doing things my way though. As I put it not so eloquently "I've been listening to people tell me what to do for the past twenty years, its my turn to decide my life." Anyways, I finally ignored my fathers advice.  I wish so badly instead of telling us to stay away from (insert sex) he would have told us to find someone who loves, cares and adores us.  Who will accept us, stand by us, and push us. I understand he was hurt and lost trust, but don't pass that onto us.  So I leave you with the question: How can I love when I'm afraid?

It just hurts

It just hurts, and sometimes it doesn't.
"That makes complete sense.  It doesn't mean you still like him at all. Just means you got burned, and your wound hasn't healed, because someone you trusted betrayed you so to say.  Ha Ha some debate that broken hearts actually never heal...but they stop hurting eventually."-Staci
I trusted my emotions and feelings with someone who would treat me like shit and not give a damn. When I talk about it, everyone say's I'm not over it. I am over it, but there's not words to describe the pain one feels when treated like a stepping stone, being used and thrown away.
My directions have been all sorts of skewed. My path so beautifully laid out before me two years ago is now zig, zagging, and leading me into dead ends. If I fall I stay down, if I run I hit a wall, if I sleep I never get up. When I look back on this life I don't want to think: shoot what did I do?  Even worse I don't want to think: shoot what didn't I do? I was happy for so long, and then everything hit me. I had no reason to be happy, but was.  Now I can't run, can't sleep or study.
Its not until you don't wear a smile for the rest of the world, that something must be wrong. The truth: smiling is easier than crying. Lying is easier than the truth, and trust is never repaired.
It hurts when you lose trust. I trusted my brother, now I don't know what's a lie and what's truth. Now I don't know his life like he doesn't know mine.  The funny thing these thoughts will fade within days. When it hits you it hits you hard.  I know I'll never be like this boy I trusted, I'll never do what was done to me to anyone. It makes me sick, he makes me sick. However, I can't say I'd wished I'd never known him.  I can't say I wished none of this had ever happened. Its a growing and learning experience.  I was pushed out into the world, I was pushed out into this horrible dysfunctional relationship, that somehow paralleled my life perfectly. It taught me so much. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." This saying is never so true then when you experience it first hand. We had good times, we laughed, camped, shot, watched movies and people, and we had bad times.  I cried, and I missed him. Now I'm done. I could blame him, but mostly I hate him.
Besides relationships there are tests and school.  Life pushes and pulls you, brings you to your knees, and raises you back up again. If you've never been on a roller coaster...you are lying. Life is the biggest roller coaster of all.  Beg, plead, cry and scream, it won't let you off.  When you can't get off this roller coaster of life be thankful. Accept it, Love it, and Move on. At the end of the day if you are still breathing, still living, still moving forward then be happy. Forgive but never Forget. Forgiveness takes time and never rush it.
I can't do it all alone, but I can do it all.

Valentines Day 2012

This Valentines Day I got a text asking what I was doing for Valentines Day. I was at that moment looking at sperm cells. To that reply I got, "hahaha...oh honey, that was hilarious."  We were looking for abnormalities; double tails, elongated heads, crazy looking acrosomal caps, that kind of thing. Then we counted them.
I drove home with Pearl Snap. He was one of the fifteen members in my histology class, along with Brianne (girlfriend)/Sortia, Emily/Chemily, Doc Thacker, and Joshua.  We all formed a little study group and studied our way through Histology.  We graduated Histo, and moved onto Pathology.  He had made hints for Brianne and hid them around Logan.  Inside the envelope/hint was a hint and a picture of them together. The hint was to the next location. Some of the locations were at the dollar store, Jamba Juice, parks, the closet, and lastly his apartment, where dinner was waiting. He gave her a photo album to place the pictures.  I thought I would share this adorable story for all of the guys in the world to copy.
Accept it, Love it, and Move on.

Histo/Patho

Histology was probably my favorite part of 2011.  I will introduce you to our class. We all have nick names and I will try and explain but I don't know the story behind them all. Micheal (pearl snap).  Pearl Snap got this name because he always wears country western pearl snap shirts. Brianne (Sortia).  I don't know how Sortia was named, but there you have it. Emily (Chemily).  This nick name originates from her and Micheal's stunt at SUU. I'm pretty sure one girl thought her name was Chemily and it just stuck. Colton (Doc Thacker).  This name is simple, this is what he will be called as a Doctor.  David (Doc Payne).  Same as Doc Thacker, but Doc Payne is much cooler, because of the fact he will be doctor of pain, anyways pretty clever.  Blake (Blakley).  Blakley told us a story of a girl named Blakley and he was Blake.  Everyone said they would get married and have Blaklets, so Blakley stuck.  Joshua, (Joshua said really fast). Not sure how this came about, besides the fact that it sounds cool. Trevor (Trident). Trident because he had really white teeth, and was always chewing gum, did not move on to patho with us. Katie (Katie). Sage (Sagers). Just a nickname. Then there is me Jorgena (Thumbalina). This fabulous name arose out of a misunderstanding. Someone said my name, someone thought they heard thumbalina, and it stuck. There you have it. Then there is Doctor Olsen.

 Accept it, Love it, and Move on.

My dad's Christmas

January 8, 2012 I went to Kmart in search of tinsel.  I thought I was plum out of luck, as Christmas was two weeks ago.  Luckily they still had a Christmas section.  So I got some tinsel, and some cheap kisses. The tinsel is for my dad. Last night he was telling me the one thing he missed about Christmas was throwing tinsel on the tree. Immediately I thought if there is one thing I can do, is to give my dad a well deserved tinsel throwing party. So Phil and I got a Christmas tree at the dump.  I surprised my dad with the tinsel, before we went to dinner.  He got to put tinsel on the tree like when he was a kid. 

Love it and accept it

Oh Brother!

My brother Phillip, many of you who read this may have heard of  him.  Definitely one of my best friends. Many of times I've been told the only people I can count on/trust is my dad and Phil. No matter how many fights we have, we get over it, and no matter how many times I tell him I hate him I love him, and know he will always be there.  When we were little we were best friends, and then junior high era, we were bitter enemies.  As we got older we became bast friends again, stuck like glue. We've got each others's backs, indefinitely. Our tie goes way back. We even share a star, "Grandma's Angels."  We were not always angels. I can't remember the fights we've had at the time they seemed important, but looking back our little squabbles didn't amount to much more than name calling, and hitting.

 I don't know the responsibility of an older sibling, because I was always the baby. I know my parents put a lot of responsibility on my brother to watch out for me. If anything happened to me, he would ultimately be the one to get the blame. He didn't always deserve it, but there were many times I ended up with a black eye.  Rocks always seemed to be thrown by him and hit me square in the eye.  There were times, however that I walked into a black eye. One time he was swinging and I walked right into it. He has accompanied me on many adventures.                                                                                            

Hiking, hunting, and scouting out our parents. He was in charge of ensuring we made it to school on time in one piece. When I was hit by a car he helped me. I was behind him on my bike, when I was blind sided by a speeding vehicle that didn't bother stopping at a stop sign. I was struck, ruined my bike, but there was my brother on the other side of the road.  He came back and helped me, and when we got home he explained what happened.  He rode in the police car with me to find the runner and stood up for me. There are so many stories too many stories, I wish I could write them all down.

Accept it, Love it

He paved the way throughout school. He's got most of the brains, I've got the looks.  I was in his shadow a lot, and tried to find my own way, but found myself following his footsteps.  When he got sterling scholar in business, and tried out for the same position. Why? Because he got it so I should too.  However I was much better suited for science and foreign language but that never occurred to me, until I got the sterling scholar for foreign language. He was Hope of America, and awarded as an Eagle scout. He can teach any horse, buy and sell anything. Sometimes I wish I had his negotiation skills. He taught me how to swing, jump a ditch, and ride a bike, and horse.
No matter what I do he is watching out for me. He's got spunk, attitude, and someday he will be a billionaire. Someday I will work on his ranch healing thousands of horses and cows. We wouldn't be who we are today without each other.