Can't sleep, Can't study

Okay here goes, I can't sleep, can't study, and I'm losing site of what's important. I've been told  over and over how much I've changed. Going from working sixty hour weeks, playing with animals, in the river, hiking, and games with people/dinner parties, to school and studying. I like school, if I didn't have school, I would lay in bed all day, eating yogurt and watching you tube...oh wait that's what I'm doing now.  Its finals week, it sucks.  I had three tests today, this day shall forever go down in history as the worst day for testing.  I couldn't sleep, I've had so much on my mind, I just can't turn my brain off. I called my mom and dad just to hear their voices, and get some re-assurance that I'm on the right path. I pray to God, and he answers, but I'm pretty doubtful, I won't lie. I ask for signs, I'm sure I get them, but I just don't want to believe, or can't or won't. I go over the same things, and I try and study, but  nothing sticks. I went to sleep at one in the morning.  Mostly because I couldn't stop thinking, and my stomach gets extremely upset after eating. It won't shut off either, and makes noises, and is painful. I woke up when Kim woke up, four thirty, and couldn't go back to sleep, pain and thinking. I started studying at six, and didn't stop all day.  First I had o chem, then physics and finally interpersonal communications.  Tomorrow is Psychology, and I don't know what to expect, I need to study tonight, I just can't focus, and can't concentrate.  Hopefully I'll go to bed early, and wake up early, and study all day.  I can't wait until this week from hell is over.

Christmas a little late

Christmas is in two weeks, and I have no Christmas spirit.  I hate Christmas songs on the radio, I only like Christmas songs in a church setting. Not the the usual jingle bells, but Holy Night, Noel, the true Christmas songs.  I won't lie I once loved Christmas songs, when I was younger, I loved the traditional material Christmas where I get gifts.  Now I can't stand it, and if you don't ask for something then people treat you like you've broken some sort of Christmas law. I don't need anything, I don't want anything. If I need or want something it usually is during a part of the year not related to Christmas and I ask for it then, or I buy it. Christmas is fluff, where you get the extras, and I don't want or need the extras.  I only need the necessities. I do love making things for people, and getting something for somebody who really needs it.  Typically this is throughout the year.  I work on these gifts when I have time which is typically during Christmas break, so don't chastise me if I get your gift to you a month late. I'd like to be charitable at this time and throughout the year, but this year has put me in such a stressful state, that if I don't study, or do something to enhance my chance of getting into Vet school I feel an awful guilt. I've been going to church on Sunday pretty regularly.  I like it, that is I like sacrament, I like the talks, and message, I like having an hour to knit, or write, or draw. I like when everyone is at church, Logan is at the absolute quiet, everyone in church buildings. I can come home and cook and clean, and play my music as loud as I please. I can enjoy the best of both worlds in one Sunday. I'm going to stay up here a little bit later, previous years I couldn't wait to rush home.  Now I want to chill in an empty apartment, knit, work out, catch up on sleep, reading and letters.  I'll probably head down Wednesday afternoon. I love my parents, I don't want to hurt them, but I don't want to stifle my growth.  I don't know what's right for me right now. Being home doesn't help either, I want my parents comfort but my living comfort. I've grown accustomed to being on my own, and doing things my way on my time, and not asking permission.

me on sunday

I don't know what its like to have a child, I don't know a love that strong, and I know its painful for me to be so distant. I wish I could be a better student, daughter, sister and friend. I thought at the beginning of this year I could do it all, volunteer, school, friends, family, but I proved myself wrong. I can do all this, but I can't judge myself by others standards. I have to know that what I am doing is the best I can do, and that's all I've ever been asked to do.  My parents, siblings, friends, God, will never ask more of me then I can deliver. I am so blessed and lucky.

Surprise party

She is going to kill me, but this is my best friend and best roommate ever,!

Some of the best friends

Today was Sunday, December fourth 2011.  From the moment I woke up I knew today would be a good day. I woke up the sun was shining but the snow was falling.  Usually snow is not favored, but this morning it was beautiful.  I got myself a blanket, some hot chocolate with cinnamon, and started my homework on the couch watching the snow fall.  I did a little homework, but mostly I looked up recipes for upside down pineapple cake. Then I had to do a lot of prep work, cutting onions, garlic, shredding cheese, and cutting up potatoes.  After that I got ready for church.  Oddly enough I like sacrament, I can't stand Sunday school, Relief society is okay, but mostly because I sit next to cool people and knit, and draw. I've started knitting Kim's blanket, and probably won't be done in time for Christmas, but she has been warned. We all went to church, it was the first Sunday in December which is fast Sunday, and testimony sharing. Fasting wasn't hard, minus the hot chocolate, I pretty much didn't eat anything until eight. I came home and cleaned the floors, and then I started cooking the potatoes, I figured everyone would be hungry after church. They were. Then we had to find a way to get Kim out of the house. At first they were going to a Christmas program at five and it would end at seven, which would be perfect. Then they decided against that and to watch it from home, via internet. Before I had canceled Erin coming to take her away, so Erin showed up and tried to keep Kim distracted she did a pretty good job.  I'm lucky to have amazing friends, that can deal with overly excited nervous that the plan will fail me. I went down to Erin's house Friday afternoon and spent like three hours there, just talking, and drinking hot chocolate, very fun, especially after not seeing each other for a month. We had made a makeshift plan, but plans always change, and that's what makes things interesting. Kim would not leave the house, and so I just had to cook everything with her in the front room, I'm sure she suspected something, but we just acted normal. Jeannie went down and decorated the basement, blowing up balloons, and then I stole away and decorated the rest of the basement, hanging stuff up and the like. The cake turned out good I was told, not sure what its supposed to taste like, so that was good to hear.  I really just want to cook for the rest of my life, I like seeing people enjoying the food I make. I love learning new things. I want to try cooking with different herbs, so I bought some, and I hope I never have to use powder garlic again. Everything was made, and we had to wait for the guests to arrive. Will and Megan were the first, and then Josh came with his girlfriend later, and they went up to the apartment instead of the basement.  Erin came down, and then we hid and yelled out surprise.  So much texting, whispering and planning in one day, although we had been planning this for about a week.  I made lasagna, french bread pizza, and the pineapple upside down cake.  I think it went over well, we sang to kim, and she opened her presents. I think it was good, I think she had a good time. After cake we played psychiatrist, which I thought was a blast, love that game. I just ate a huge mouthful of cinnamon that was in my chocolate that was not too good. I gave Erin her Christmas present a Harry potter coloring book, I was too excited to wait until Christmas.  I always do that, buy something and then I can't wait until Christmas, I just have to give it to them then.

two best friends sorry Erin and Kim this is the best of the night

I'm not feeling any better, eating makes me sick, so I generally avoid it, I had breakfast, probably won't have lunch, might have a small dinner. I'm going to try and run today, hopefully that will help, I'll probably pretty much have to start over from square one, so we'll see if I can do three miles, that's my goal, and we'll see how it goes from there. I don't want to go to the doctor because doctor's scare me, sometime I'll have to I'm sure, especially if my eating stays like this. I don't want to waste away after building up so much muscle mass.  If I don't run this morning at least I'll walk, and get some exercise.

Thanks Giving

The best ride, fastest thing around

Its Thanksgiving, and everyone rushes home for the holidays. I'm guilty of this too.  Tuesday my classes were canceled, and my last two classes were canceled Monday as well. As soon as I could I got my battery jumped I headed out of dodge.  Thank god my parents blessed me with the right gender to find help in an empty parking lot, a lonely road, and grocery stores.  Within seconds of putting my hood up a group of guys will always surround. I'm fairly certain I have a lost look on my face, or concerned.  I can walk  in the door, and immediately I'm asked "are you lost?" "Can I help you find something?" "Is everything alright?" I'm fairly certain I'm asked these questions at a higher percentage. Along with being offered rides.  I've been walking many times and people will stop and ask if I want a ride, usually I don't, however the few times I've gone walking and a blizzard has blown in I'm glad there have been people there. People should not raise their children to be so trusting, not that I was raised to be very trusting. If anything my parents raised me to be very cautious, however somewhere along the way I forgot that.  Being too trusting gets you in trouble, just like speaking before thinking. That was quite the tangent.
Monday evening I headed home and got home around five. The freeway is finally fixed, no more hour wait by Lehi, and they fixed center street in Provo.  I can't believe how confusing it is. Our government can't even design a freeway how do we expect them to be responsible for our future?  The old exits worked fine, and then they go and change it, into something that isn't even recognizable.

losing best your best friend

Growing up is hard. Coming home is hard, when every time you come home something is different. The roads, the weather, your family. My brother got a girlfriend over the summer. Quite possibly the worst thing that could happen to a brother and sister's friendship.  Now when we go to do something with the horses she comes. She rides in the middle of the truck, and she hangs on my brother. She changes the radio, and she rides my horse, and she picked out my boots, and she goes shopping with my mom. I'm expected to be nice, and chit chatty with someone who has suddenly moved into my life, that I don't even know.  Don't touch my horse, don't touch my boots, and don't touch my brother. She broke all three with in a month of me finding out about her.  I get told I was cold, and that he'll just never bring her around me again. That's all I ask, I don't want to see you kiss, I don't want to see her hanging on your arm. I'm not going to feel bad if I didn't stand by her. I'm not a girly girl, dependent on everyone. I've stood alone in a field, and I can stand on my own.   Even now I'm regretting coming home for Thanksgiving break early. I just want to go back to Logan, and I don't want to talk to my brother for a long time.  My brother tried to talk to me about her last night but I  was tired, and when he brought her up I changed the subject. I should be sympathetic and listen to what he has to say, but I'm stubborn and don't want to.  I want to do what I want when I want, and that's not what I wanted.   I may possibly never go anywhere with him ever again, if she has to go.  I'm no longer the one he wants to take riding, or hunting, or is referred to. I I lost my ally in this family, to a stupid girl. Love is awful, remind myself never to fall for it, for any guy, people suck.

Can I just say how completely stubborn and stuck in my own ways I am.  I was extremely upset after one meeting with Staci.  In the month that has followed she is now one of my best friends.  One of my confidants, someone I can talk to and chat with, someone I can hike with and complain to. Someone who's got my back and kick anyone's butt who messes with me. We've had so many crazy adventures like going to the bowling alley in Payson at ten, and sliding all over the freshly snowed on free way. Taking wrong exits, and following fish tailing pick ups. We've played pool like fools, and practiced our quick draw on video games. Picnics in the field on seat covers.  I'm happy my brother is happy with someone, and I'm happy he found someone that can put up with him, and will love him un-conditionally. I do hate change, but if you never give a person a chance, you never learn what a great friend you can have. I support Phillip and Staci whole heartily.  I hope we will have many a great adventure, such as hiking Y mountain in tight jeans to break them in, and kicking our butts up something people are running up.  Thank you Phil for finding a great girl!

wine is gross

Wine is gross, that's why people sip it, and then they say they are refined. Alcohol in general is nasty, unless you cook with it, and start fires, that kind of thing. The first time you get drunk should be the last time. I think you get drunk to forget about life. I don't want to forget I want to remember everything.  Every stupid moment, every embarrassing act, every pee your pants funny moment; I want to live life.  Three Smirnoff's , one actual beer, a shot of whiskey, vodka, a couple jello shots, and sex on the beach, is a recipe for forgetfulness.  Getting drunk to deal with drunk people is not a solution. The thing is, when you wake up the next morning, your stupidity and sickness will make you forget about your stupor the night before.  A hangover lasts days, and the one night of freedom, of letting go, is not worth it. Don't go drinking Saturday night, with plans Sunday afternoon.

Email to Chem Prof

If we missed the pre-quiz deadline, will it ever be available to take again, in order to open the other quizzes. 

Thank you, 

Distraught Student

Guitar take one

I decided that because my brother got a guitar two years ago, I would take his small child guitar and learn to play.  Once I'm good enough, and sound professional, I will upgrade. I started one week ago, it is the seventh. I can play most chords, I can string chords together, nothing sounds too great.  I play strings and tell myself I'm learning the sounds, but I don't know what I'm doing. I go in the back and string notes to the horses and come up with lyrics, I wrote one song, but I left the lyrics at home. I'm getting it slowly.  I play the notes on the small guitar, and it sounds completely different on the big one. I need to find someone to tune it. I know J knows how to do it, I just have to get up the gumption to ask him. I'm really excited, I want to take this seriously, unlike tennis, track, the harmonica, dance....I really want to become a legit guitar player, and sing songs in coffee shops all over everywhere. I don't want to be a Taylor Swift, but I want to be the guitar playing veterinarian.  After a surgery or going to someones ranch I can charm everyone with my awesome skills. I'm pretty sure I can do it, I just have to stick with it, get my guitar tuned, and learn the right strings. So this is the first entry of the first week of my guitar playing.  I'll give or try to give a week by week journal of what's happening, and by week fifty two I should be professional, and I will get a large me size guitar.  I don't like that Phil's guitar is so big, but this one is def. too small, so somewhere in between if at all possible would be perfect.