Resolutions

Cool, I have a blog, and I don't even know how I got one, or that anyone would want to read it. I'm not dying, I don't have a relative who has a horrible ailment.  My grandfather is dying of a lot of things; cancer, breathing problems, heart and blood pressure problems, and old age to name a few, but it probably won't end in a miracle. My blog is not about that. A lot of tears will be shed over this event. Death is something I don't understand, even less then birth. I understand death is necessary, if there wasn't death there would be bilions and billions of people. The population would double faster then it does now. Death is important, and where there is death there is birth. There have been many births. In my own family my niece was born. A beautiful girl, just like her sister and mother. Impossible to believe that her genetics are 50%  my brother. Hard to believe my own brother has been a father for five years. Even harder to believe that I will be a mother some day and will probably call him up and ask for parenting advice. Parenting advice from the person who led my brother and I to believe he had a son he fed to the sharks.  Babysitting became making my brother touch cielings for pancakes, and locking children in closets, not to mention the whispering through heater vents to mimic ghosts.  On second thought I might not call him, but he is a great father.
I feel very sad for my  mother, I can't imagine a day without my own father. I have a tendency to cry when I see those I love crying, tears will be shed this spring break.  Life goes on, and everyday you get a little bit stronger. I listened to a story about all the things that come out of death. New relationships are formed some are broken.  Death can bring people together and tear them apart. Life can be a whirlwind of rollercoaster rides, death and birth are two rollercoasters everyone must take.  As I was watching my Grandfather in the hospital bed holding his hand, I wondered if he could hear us, what state he was in? We played a game asking him questions and watching his heart rate, depending on how high or low, he answered yes or no. I'll never know if he could understand us, but that's ok, I like the answers we got. Death is a hard thing. Nothing wrecked my world like the death of my Grandma.  We grew up with one Grandma, she lived in California, she visited us every Christmas, Thanksgiving, and birthdays; two in the summer. She had a change purse and we would sort her coins keeping all the ones of our birth years, important dates, and by the end we had all of her change. We would sort her pills, and have people sandwiches, two pieces of bread, and meat or cheese in the middle. The only one who could ever take over my room for weeks at a time, and sit for hours telling us stories as we fell asleep on her lap, or play game after game; checkers, marbles, rummy, monopoly.  So many memories, and so many memories that will never be achieved from her mind.  I hope someone takes the time to pick my memory, and listen to everything they want to know. Her death turned our world upside down its safe to say its never been the same. One of my bucket list accomplishments is to truly say goodbye to her, but I'm doubtful. Perhaps the hardest thing is getting over our own feelings, to let go of something completely, its not part of human nature and yet it is.  We have evolved so much, and yet get held up over life.  One of the only good things that come out of weddings and funerals are meeting relatives you have never seen, laughing your head off at stories, and watching people heal and grow. I've heard from a lot of people that they are getting the negatvity out of their life forgetting the people that never supported them, but perhaps its easier to never let them in to begin with.  If I forsee a relationship heading south, I stop, discontinue. I ignore the negativity and when it comes it passes quickly, and I move on soon after it begins. Death however I hold onto, and don't view this death as negative, but just as time passing. THe only thing that ever got me through writting essays was knowing that in a week the essay would be done, and just a memory.  Maybe that's how life is, just a thing we do, memories to be created. I couldn't imagine life without freedom. I have compared my dorm to prison cell 8x10 the only difference being I can leave whenever I want.  I can take a slow walk down town, I can walk my dogs, and I can eat a double bacon cheeseburger from the best hamburger shop ever.
Thankfully there is birth and revival, thankfully there is green, and peace, and nature.