Focus

Over the past few months I've had a hard time focusing. If there is a distraction, a lost dog, a sunny day, I get distracted, I find the dog a home and enjoy endless walks...but I can't focus. I feel like my life has become a stagnant  pool of water, and I'm attracting mosquitoes by the dozen, it's just a matter of time until I contract the dread West Nile Virus.
Sometimes I know the cause but can't find the cure.  People have all the advice, and I just think how easy it is when you are looking from the outside, and can tell people just what they need to do.  It's different when you are the person, and you don't want advice, because you don't know what you want.  Sometimes I think people think I'm a paranoid schizophrenic because I walk into class looking at my phone, and continue holding my phone during class, turned sideways in my chair, head down, playing all the games, and jump when people talk to me.
Your past has an odd way of catching up to you.  These past couple months have been an emotional roller coaster of ups and turns and straight up downs, I feel like I'm on a track going a hundred miles an hour, and then the brakes come on and we come to a dead stop.  I can feel alone in a crowded room, and I can stare off into space for a half an hour, I can be so close to the people I love and feel nothing, I can walk two miles and not remember a thing, see countless faces and recognize not a one in a crowd. I feel like I have so many things to tell people, but I don't know what to tell them, and if I did, I wouldn't know where to start.
My life plans changed a lot in the last month, I'm 21 and yet I feel like I'm going through a midlife crisis. People tell me to talk to them, to tell them what's wrong, but I don't know how, and I'm not entirely sure I could. I feel like I have to make all the life changing decisions, and if I change it will affect everyone, maybe positive, most likely negative.
For as much as I stumble I'm running, and as much as I run I'm still here. I know that I still know how to laugh, and I still love.