At one of our therapy sessions we pulled up an article about a sketch by Curtis Wiklund. A couple grieving in their car after learning of their miscarriage. That picture was Josh and I weeks before it was them. When we saw it, we cried. That was us as soon as we found out, and that was us for an hour and half as we drove home. At that moment it was a sketch of our life, and a representation of our pain. I couldn't see any meaning in that sketch, it made me feel everything we felt all over again. As we discussed the article our therapist said the word that stuck out to her was "Meaning."
It was an epiphany for me, and a wave of calm immediately fell over me. For the first time in months I felt lighter. Our baby's existence had meaning, this terrible, awful, completely unfair thing happened to us for a reason...So I went home and I finished my blog post,
https://peteandrepeatjulycow.blogspot.com/2016/10/the-storm.html
I knew I had to post our story, and give these unborn lives a meaning. I'm still finding meaning. The meaning is hard and painful. It's a constant hike up a rocky slope, but with finding meaning we also find our meadow, a nice rest before beginning the next stretch of uphill. I'm not happy for our loss, but I feel content knowing that we can move forward. We took our time to grieve and find our meaning.
I'm grateful for relationships that have been healed, and for rifts that have been filled. I'm incredibly appreciative for the ability to forgive. I'm also grateful for distancing ourselves with toxic people and the ability to move forward with that decision. During this whole miserable adventure I never expected people close to us would use hurtful words to create fault in a pitiful attempt to make us feel guilty. I never imagined the pain we felt would be denigrated by someone who had never experienced what we had been through.
Posting part of our life's story was extremely difficult and revealing for us. Sharing your deepest secrets is not easy, but it helped me process so much. Before this post, I was harboring this deep secret, a secret of pain and guilt and isolation. something no one should know about, something I didn't want anyone to know about. Something that was keeping me from being happy for other's and being happy for myself and our family.
Grief is a scary serpent that lives under the bed and strikes with the ferocity of a large mountain toppling on top of you, and it deserves to be talked about. It needs to be understood.
Josh and I flew past denial, almost as fast as Usain Bolt. Roughly three weeks were spent on this stage, denial mixed with anger of course, because what is a martini without vodka. In our dissipated anger stages we were able to bargain, a few of my favorites, "take me leave the baby," (this was a common phrase used between the both of us), "I'll give you x, y, z, just don't let this happen again." It didn't really matter what we were willing to bargain with (which was literally anything), because if you don't have a future you don't need anything.
Depression is by far the longest phase. Depression included all of these stages and all of the emotions, and depression is immediate. Every emotion, EVERY EMOTION you have ever felt; love, hate, anger, sadness, empathy, jealousy, sympathy, loneliness, solitude, sadness (I know I listed it twice). I don't know if anyone can accurately describe or define depression. It's the lack of every emotion, and it's feeling the intensity of every emotion. It's imagining the worst scenario and multiplying it by the largest number you can imagine. Depression is fake smiles and small talk. Depression is feeling like you deserve every bad word and terrible action.
But you don't! You deserve love and understanding. You deserve a listening ear and everyone that cares. You deserve the best!
During a counseling session we were told a story about a woman who went through a loss of a spouse and before the death her world was Yellow, and after the death her world was Blue, and she was trying to find Green. No matter the event and no matter how horrific it is, it shapes you and changes your world. If I had to describe my depressed world it would be the ocean. When I think of the ocean, I think of one of the most happy, fun, care free places. There is nothing more free and wild than the ocean, and having a sunny afternoon to soak up the sun and play in the sand. I can hear the laughter, the occasional friendly scream, hear the ocean hitting the beach, see the families playing and chasing each other, tanned skin, and sun lotion noses. My beach after depression is night, but worse than night, no lights, no moon, there are no families there is no laughing. There is black water crashing down on the beaches, there's no rhythm, just one crash after the next, disrupting the sand, and breaking the shells. The sun never comes out, and nobody comes here to play, there is no future or horizon just dark shadows creeping closer with every wave.
Posting our blog was a wave of relief. My beach isn't sunny again, but it's an overcast gray. There are children laughing and birds in the sky. The water is still too cold and choppy to play in, but I can enjoy the waves lapping the shore. This loss still makes me sad, and occasionally I'm going to cry and have a really bad day. Day's where I just want to be alone. But I've reached a place where I know I can't change the past, but I can make the future. Not only build the future, but shape it. Josh and I are so much stronger because of this and it has shaped us, and we're okay with the shapes we've been given.
We can and will weather any storm Our relationship took a huge hit, our communication ceased, and to be honest we were struggling with life. We've had a rough couple of months full of crashes, financial instability, stresses from school, and missing pets, and as significant as some of these have been, they haven't seemed that bad.
After our post we received an outreach of support and love. We received beautiful words of support. So many messages that made me cry, and so many notes that I will cherish for always.But you don't! You deserve love and understanding. You deserve a listening ear and everyone that cares. You deserve the best!
During a counseling session we were told a story about a woman who went through a loss of a spouse and before the death her world was Yellow, and after the death her world was Blue, and she was trying to find Green. No matter the event and no matter how horrific it is, it shapes you and changes your world. If I had to describe my depressed world it would be the ocean. When I think of the ocean, I think of one of the most happy, fun, care free places. There is nothing more free and wild than the ocean, and having a sunny afternoon to soak up the sun and play in the sand. I can hear the laughter, the occasional friendly scream, hear the ocean hitting the beach, see the families playing and chasing each other, tanned skin, and sun lotion noses. My beach after depression is night, but worse than night, no lights, no moon, there are no families there is no laughing. There is black water crashing down on the beaches, there's no rhythm, just one crash after the next, disrupting the sand, and breaking the shells. The sun never comes out, and nobody comes here to play, there is no future or horizon just dark shadows creeping closer with every wave.
Posting our blog was a wave of relief. My beach isn't sunny again, but it's an overcast gray. There are children laughing and birds in the sky. The water is still too cold and choppy to play in, but I can enjoy the waves lapping the shore. This loss still makes me sad, and occasionally I'm going to cry and have a really bad day. Day's where I just want to be alone. But I've reached a place where I know I can't change the past, but I can make the future. Not only build the future, but shape it. Josh and I are so much stronger because of this and it has shaped us, and we're okay with the shapes we've been given.
We can and will weather any storm Our relationship took a huge hit, our communication ceased, and to be honest we were struggling with life. We've had a rough couple of months full of crashes, financial instability, stresses from school, and missing pets, and as significant as some of these have been, they haven't seemed that bad.
We also received gifts. A beautiful gift basket with an emotional story. A basket that I hope to never give to another soul, but I will if the event arises. We also received tea. Anyone that has spoken to us lately will get an earful of how much we love tea, and probably a sample of some of our best teas. We are the tea aficionados...okay we are tea nerds. However, this tea came at a pivotal time. A time when we started fertility treatments. The fertility medicine tastes terrible, and the only way I can choke the medicine down is with a strong and sweet cup o' tea. To our friends that gave us this lovely gift, Thank you! You probably thought you were adding to our eccentric hobby (which you did), but you also helped make our journey a little more bearable.
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| Always be with someone who will surprise you with love notes, flowers, chocolates, and the best breakfast treats. |
I never expected the amount of support from friends and family, friends we haven't seen for years, family we should be better at talking to. Gift baskets full of treats and toys that continue to make us smile and remember that we are not alone. I'm so thankful for our support group and our circle of friend's.
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| My lazy boys |
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