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| 2nd year of not having a cute pumpkin patch pregnancy announcement. |
It's our month! Not in the way you would think; birthdays, anniversaries, special events. No, it's pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. One in four births ends in miscarriage or stillbirth. We are an anomaly, with our 25% success rate. This month and every month we stand in solidarity with our sisters and brothers; our angel mothers and should be fathers. I know I have a lot of friends that are experiencing this loss, and believe me it effects our lives daily, and you are not alone. We went through these experiences alone so many times before opening our hearts to our tribe and accepting their love for our losses.
It's amazing how your memories come in snapshots as you try and recall memories that are supposed to be suppressed. I remember taking a valium before our d&c for our 9 week loss, but not the procedure. I remember the frantic searching for our heartbeat but not the drive to or from and catching my breath through contractions after the misoprostol for our 11 week loss. I remember our last ultrasound and the moment my heart broke for our 8 week loss. I remember being so excited with each positive test and I remember all of the negatives.
I know we get asked weekly if not daily (sometimes) when we're going to have our next baby, how many babies do we want? We get asked by everyone, friends, strangers, coworkers, employees, and employers. I know most people don't know our history, they don't know the years, or the losses. I also know that they mean well, and are curious. We're so lucky to have an amazing support group who is so excited for our next baby.
With the supportive comments and suggestions comes the superficial comments. One remark that I'll always remember "everyone needs a sibling...unless you just can't." What qualifies as "can't?" Miscarriages, infertility, anxiety, depression? We agree siblings are awesome. I know I love mine, and during difficult trials it's awesome to have other people that share your background to bounce ideas off of. It's great to have a built in support system when you can't make decisions or need help. Wouldn't it be awesome if Auda had 3? "You do know 4 years is a big gap between kids? You don't want Auda to be an only child do you?" For us our reality is different, getting pregnant is difficult and maintaining that pregnancy has proven even more difficult. Auda is single handedly the best blessing we've ever experienced, and she helped heal our hearts one "I love you too" at a time, so yes four years is a big gap, but sometimes that's life.
We tend to be a little guarded when asked questions regarding our family planning. It seems like everyone has their babies 18 months apart or is that just the way it seems to me? If you fall outside of that range, then people really start to wonder and ramp up their inquiries. Yes, we want children, we want Auda to have siblings, yes, we do have trauma from past experiences that clouds our memories and excitement, yes, we do have infertility, yes, we've experienced pregnancy loss. No, we're not pregnant, no, it's not that easy. I try and remember "if you just stop trying it will happen, when you're not stressed you will just get pregnant," when we have negative test after negative test (cue the sarcasm).
Join us on our journey again...years in and counting...
https://peteandrepeatjulycow.blogspot.com/2016/10/the-storm.html
